Why robots with vaginas are a (really, really) bad idea

The movies have got it all wrong: Robots aren't going to destroy humanity. They're not going to become self-aware and nuke their makers. Nor will they use us as living batteries. Humanity's inevitable demise won't be the result of an artificial intelligence shutting our life support systems down as we snore in space. Robots won't wipe out mankind. But they'll help.

Check out this video first:

Feel free to cry. You'll be seeing this albino slug droid in your nightmares. But do not doubt the following prophetic statement: Slap a cyborg vagina on this twitching, limbless Pinocchio from hell and what you'll have is the most successful commercial product of all time. Viagra is one of the biggest blockbuster drugs of all time and did it cure cancer? No. It gave geezers boners. Which is nice and all. But it's not like the little blue pill saved lives.

But once the average man is able to hump his coffee maker, the fall of civilization isn't far behind.

The creepy wiggling pillow in the video is the invention of noted Japanese roboticist Hiroshi Ishiguro. His creation is called the Telenoid R1, and it's designed to be a communication tool. Think of it as a cross between Skype videoconferencing and a puppet. One person speaks into microphone while a webcam scans the user's facial movements. Miles away, the Telenoid R1 "speaks," and mimics the caller's expressions. As one can see from the video, it's the perfect way to never actually have to visit your feeble granddad that smells like tuna salad and loneliness.

It should be noted that robotics is an enormous industry in Japan, a country eager for solutions to their huge eldercare problem that doesn't involve importing large numbers of foreign-born nurses. Robots wash, feed and clean invalid patients. Robots are set to play a huge part in Japan's future. The whole world will follow suit. However, the evolution of robotics will follow this rule: genitals first, then Gatling guns.

The greatest job in science has to be that of futurists, a discipline where one's theories can't be proven wrong until long after death. But that hasn't stopped these prognosticators from predicting that, very soon, man and machine will smush. These scientists ponder how this will affect gender norms and human sexuality. They opine about socio-economic ramifications and what this would mean to the traditional family unit. What they don't do is scream at the top of their lungs about how it's the worst fucking idea that science has ever come up with…worse than the hydrogen bomb, the Segway, and even bright orange cheese powder.

This isn't going to be some chinless pervert with hairy elbows violently stabbing a hot, wet vacuum cleaner nozzle with his mushroom wanger in his mother's basement. It will be at first. Here's how it will go down: The initial market for sex robots will be cheap Roombas with mouths for the rape hobbits, and really expensive, sleek, beautiful sexbots for sports stars.

But if the history of capitalism has anything to say about it, very shortly after that, it will be easy for regular men to purchase their very own Scarlet Johansson 2000. We're still decades away from eradicating diseases like Alzheimer's, and yet there are multiple erection-zapping drugs out there. We will get nearly lifelike lady androids before we ever see Robocop, C-3PO, or the still awesome forklift robot suit from the movie Aliens.

Then what will happen? Will a truce be called in the battle of the sexes?

No, because women will win by default. Ironically, they will win and the burden of the world will be heaved onto their shoulders, because the entire male populace will be draining its precious bodily fluids into a purring mannequin swaddled in synthetic skin.

Men will pork themselves to death. Women think guys don't text back now? Just wait. A boyfriend will go missing for a month, and the cops will find his starved, emaciated body slumped over two identical Beyoncé 2.0's, his wasted buttocks weakly flexing with quickly dissipating lust.

The male desire to conquer and build will be replaced with a salmon's single-minded compulsion to spawn. There will be no need for men to love, because the robots will be programmed to satisfy our every need. We'll just sit back and bask in their automated adoration–they'll make sandwiches, and shoot beer out their nipples while the game is on. Of course the NFL will have changed by then, with bulldozers replacing linebackers.

  1. 13 years ago

    “There will be no need for men to love, because the robots will be programmed to satisfy our every need.”

    I don’t see how you can connect these two. The act of loving is not dependant on whether our needs will or will not be satisfied. In other words, we don’t love others just to make ourselves happy.

  2. 13 years ago
    Daryl G.

    Yes, this is quite a feminist piece of crap article. It assumes that men are interested in absolutely nothing but orgasms. Neverminding the fact that the female sextoy industry is a mutli-billion dollar a year moneymaker, the concept of this article is really just debasing men.

    • 2 years ago
      Women rule!

      Everyone who is not a monster is a feminist. Go to school boy.

  3. 13 years ago

    I think its going to be fun. If anything, it will shift the powers between the sexes drastically. The more the technology develops, men will pursue women less, and less, and less.

    Sure, you’re not gonna get love or affection from these robots… Which is ideal. It means men will only show interest in women for love and relationships… Which is a win-win.

    Women will most likely start pursuing and begging men to be with them. Its already happening in some countries where men don’t approach. Google for germany or sweden to see how foreign women there whine how no guys ever approach, hit on them, or ask them out. In those countries the women do all the work.

  4. 13 years ago

    I don’t know what the hell that Casper the friendly ghost creepy quivering fetal/maggot thing is supposed to be, but its almost like the old geezer is saying “couldn’t you have got the hot one with the vagina instead?” as he recoils away from the “thing”. Put a rubber penis on it and i’m sure females will like it though.

  5. 13 years ago

    One sided rubbish, to be sure. But I can still appreciate the fact that it is very well written and made me laugh.

    I also learned that women aren’t interested in sex, and other debauchery apparently reserved for the males of the species. And here I was thinking that flavored malt beverages and sticky-sweet vodka, as well as for-female porn, vibrators, magic bullets, Sybians, and other female sex toys were big business.

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